vB Easy Archive - A very serious topic...

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A very serious topic...
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Posted by: Ishimaru

So for the past 9 months I've been dating this girl. For the past 6 months, she's been in Malaysia for work. When I met her, she told me that she has stomach cancer, but told me that 3 people in her family had cancer, and beat it. Things were going ok until about 3 months ago. She slipped into a coma for a little over two weeks. She told me that about a month ago, her health was around 60%. Last Wednesday, she told me her health was less than 30%. She also asked me to let her go and she feels the end is very near. Her family lives in Malaysia, so she's deciding to stay there with them. Her family does not have internet, and I haven't heard from her in over a week now. For the past 5 months or so, she's been undergoing "Eastern medicine" as she said her body was too weak for Kemo. Out of everyone I've dated, her love has been the only one that's actually felt genuine. Not only does she like anime, Japanese dramas, and pretty much anything else Japanese, she's also into computers, and is a Sys Admin at her job! I have never found anyone else like her, and I doubt I ever will. How do you deal with someone you love dying so soon? I don't know how I can handle this. And what I'm really afraid of is, when I find out about her passing, will I cry or not? It's not a matter of me not wanting to cry, it's a matter of me wanting to cry and not being able to...

I really don't know what to do, or even how to feel. It's pretty much the first time in my life where I've felt helpless. Sigh. I've only told a few people about her at the final stages, no one knows what to say either. I'm at a loss here...

Posted by: maevro

Bro, if you ever need to talk about your girl, please IM me or call. I am a substance abuse therapist and deal with feelings and loss for a living and understand where you are coming from. The best thing to do is continue to express your feelings and how they effect you, thus not letting them eat away at your insides.

I will IM you.

Posted by: Ishimaru

What saddens me the most, is that she's only 24, she's barely lived, and yet her life gets taken away from her, at such a young age. The dreams we had together, wont happen. The things we wanted to do, wont happen. And that breaks my heart.

Posted by: maevro

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ishimaru

What saddens me the most, is that she's only 24, she's barely lived, and yet her life gets taken away from her, at such a young age. The dreams we had together, wont happen. The things we wanted to do, wont happen. And that breaks my heart.

I know it is difficult but try to keep the positive memories that you have up front and not focus on the negative aspects. Think about the beauty and all of her positive contributions that she has been able to share over the past 24 years and not project what hasn't happened yet.

Posted by: Ishimaru

So I don't know if no one wants to comment here or not, but I would like people's opinion at least...

Posted by: Dave Evans

Holy smokes, Jason my friend, I'm so sorry to hear all this. Wow!

Loosing someone close at such a young age is very difficult. A week before my wife and I got married her best friend who was to be her maid of honor died of cancer. She was 24 years old. Her husband who was my best friend was going to be my best man, but when things turned bad we changed those plans. It was very difficult to watch him go through all that. The real kicker is that 3 years later he died of a heart attack.

Loosing someone close and at such a young age is very difficult to come to terms with. There is very little anyone can say or do that softens the blow. There is only one thing....TIME. At first there is a lot of pain and mourning. It is one of the stages, and it is an important one, but in time it softens. In time the memories turn from painful to fond memories where you can look back with pleasure and remember good times. This WILL happen in time.

Times like this, as painful as they are, build our character. They help build who we are and add maturity and understanding to who we are. Don't try to avoid it or hide it, just let whatever happens happen.

If she has asked you to let her go, respect her wishes. Let her know how you feel, but do as she asks if she is sure that is what she wants.

If you need anything you PM me without hesitation and I'll give you my MSN address or phone number if you want to call.

Dave

Posted by: mikewchandler

Jason, I'm sorry. There aren't words good enough to help in situations like this. Just know that we (your friends here) and God love you. Let us know if/when you need anything.

Posted by: Urban Strata

Mike is right, let us know if there's anything you need from the crew here at HoFo; we're here for you, and hopefully you've touched base with maevro offline (an amazing offer, I might add).

We really feel for you, and hope everything turns out okay. Please keep us posted.

Posted by: Mashie

Wow I am speechless, please let me/us here know if there is anything we can do to help in any way. I am truly sorry for your situation

Posted by: pen25

I too like everyone else am truly sorry for what you are going through. I have never been in a situation like this and can only offer you an ear/eye for you to let things out.

Posted by: Ishimaru

Seriously, thank you guys, it truly means a lot. I still haven't talked to her since last Wednesday, and I'm getting very worried. One of the members on the forums here, lives in Malaysia, and I asked him to contact her, but he has been unable to. You guys have my MSN address here, so please don't hesitate to IM me. You know Dave, dying of a heart attack is a very peaceful way to go after all that. In no way am I suicidal, but it would be a very nice way to go.

Posted by: Dave Evans

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ishimaru

You know Dave, dying of a heart attack is a very peaceful way to go after all that. In no way am I suicidal, but it would be a very nice way to go.

My choice is to be hit by a bus....from behind. Failing that, being shot in the back by a jealous husband could be a rather satisifying way to go.

Kidding, just kidding.

Dave

Posted by: Mark Kenepp

I hope I am not intruding here but since you asked in a public forum...

I had a close friend die a few months ago from cancer so this post is bringing back some of the thoughts and feelings I went through.

Of course, who you are and the type of relationship you had with this girl will impact your feelings in a way I, and others, can in no way relate. I guess that is why you probably feel so alone, at times, through this.

My friend went through her treatments for three years before she died and the type of person she was made it very difficult to communicate with her. After she died, I felt guilty that I did not do more for her. Every time I tried to make plans to visit her, she had some excuse to keep me away or was just unreachable.

I would imagine that with your girl in Malaysia, you might feel some guilt as well since you can not be there to do what you can to give her the comfort you would like to give. In my situation, I even felt a little cheated. Not because I was loosing someone close to me but because they did not include me in their support system. Before she got really sick, we were like family. We would plan and spend our holidays together (none of our small group were very close to our families mostly because of geography). We would take trips together and of course share our troubles. After she started going downhill, which was not too long after she was diagnosed, she closed herself off. She was just that kind of person.

When she died, I was just numb for a few days and didn't really feel any pain until we met up with her partner who took care of her for whole process. Then, it started to hit me. I didn't really cry until we scattered her ashes in the Bay. At that time, I have never felt so much grief.

Just a week after we scattered the ashes, her partner (who is my best friend) was diagnosed with cancer. Now I have to go through it all over again.

BTW, my friend who died and her partner are not young by any stretch of the imagination, nor am I, so I can't say that there was a long life ahead of any of use (meaning my little group of friends).

I will stop myself from going on now...

This is the first time I have shared this with anyone myself and I don't know what help it will be to you. I am not really a integral part of this community and may be out of place offering my experience and opinions in this matter but when I read your post I just felt like I had to say something and share a similar experience.

In the end, you will deal with it the way you will. What I or others here will say may effect your perceptions of the situation but I don't think that they will change how you feel.

Posted by: Ishimaru

Mark, thank you very much for sharing, I truly appreciate it. Unfortunately for me, I would not be able to give her a proper buriel, or see her off. In all honesty, she was the one for me, everything I could have wanted in a girl, and more. I know for a fact that I'll never find anyone like her ever again...

Posted by: maevro

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ishimaru

Mark, thank you very much for sharing, I truly appreciate it. Unfortunately for me, I would not be able to give her a proper buriel, or see her off. In all honesty, she was the one for me, everything I could have wanted in a girl, and more. I know for a fact that I'll never find anyone like her ever again...

Stop with this. With that attitude, of course you won't find someone. You think she wants you to be drowning in your own sorrow right now? I think if anything she would want you to be happy because no one ever wants to see someone they care about be miserable.

Now right that damn letter to her already.

Posted by: Mark Kenepp

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ishimaru

Glad you appreciate it and looking back, I am sorry that I steered this post in that direction. I am not sure that now is really the time to talk about (speculate, really) how everything will turn out.

Now is the time to not try and answer the questions that you would not have the answer to and try not to ask the questions which would have answers that really don't matter. That may not make much sense so just try to deal with what you can and don't worry about what is outside your control and if you feel unempowered, concentrate on what you are empowered over. (that probably does not make much sense either).